Spoilers are everywhere. So much so that they’re probably right here in this article.
They’re on the nightly news, on your favorite YouTube channel, in your social feed, on Facebook, in the margins of your Instagram sphere, on a billboard near your favorite lunch place, on the back cover of that magazine, in that podcast, on that tattoo on that woman’s left arm, and being skywritten across the afternoon sky alongside those nasty, conspiracy theory-laden contrails.
Bottom line? They’re everywhere.
Studios ask journalists to not spoil films in their reviews. Fans ask their favorite websites to keep their posts spoiler free. Filmmakers ask fans to keep the final twists to themselves. And M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t really care anymore because everyone knows his spoilers really aren’t spoilers at all, but rather; sloppy narrative devices to wrap up a movie.
But most of the world? They’re spoiler crybabies.
Why not stop complaining and turn off the computer? Why not stop asking writers to not reveal the ending, and instead — let them be the professional people they are and decide what makes a good review or feature piece. If we were to look at Twitter and tally up the number of posts asking other people to not spoil something, it would make up easily 32% of total posts in any given subject matter.
If I knew how The Rise of Skywalker ended, I would put that spoiler right here. I would. And I wouldn’t tell any of you that there were spoilers in this post. Perhaps that would get you to stop reading the Internet in the days before a movie you can’t wait to see is coming out. Now, I did see The Irishman, and at the end of that movie, basically everyone has died except for Robert DeNiro, who is old and sitting in a wheelchair as the credits roll. And Knives Out, I saw that movie. In the end we find out that it was Chris Evans’ character who swapped the vials of medicine, hoping to kill his Grandfather, but thank God for his caretaker, who made a mistake and thought she gave him the wrong medicine, but actually just saved her life.
In Richard Jewell, well, Richard Jewell is believed to have planted the bomb by the press and the FBI, but that’s actually not true. And Olivia Wilde, who plays a reporter, does proposition Jon Hamm’s FBI agent in order to get evidence she can use to mount an article about Jewell being the sole bomber.
Did you see Uncut Gems yet? I could tell you what happens to Adam Sandler in the end of that movie. But I won’t. And you know why? Because that’s a moment worth experiencing the movie for, and as much as I enjoyed it, I don’t want to ruin it for you all.
But if I did, and you read it… If you got to the point in that paragraph where I started talking about Uncut Gems and you didn’t close the window on this post immediately…it would be your fault.
But spoilers are like car accidents on the freeway. Despite not wanting to look, you still look, and then cry about it later. When in actuality, reading spoilers is your fault, and not the fault of the people writing about it.
So stop crying about it, turn off your Internet, or block the phrases you don’t want to read about in your social feeds. But don’t blame the people who write about movies, writing about plot points, that might actually have something to do with the end of a film.
It’s not our fault. It’s yours.