Underwater Needs To Sink Kristen Stewart

Have you seen the ads for Underwater yet? Or better yet, have you seen any of the three late 80s movies (DeepStar Six, Leviathan, The Abyss) that already did this idea? Yeah, the underwater mining crew that stumbles into a monster has kinda been done. But please, serve it up again, especially if it’s a version that looks worse than the worst of the old bunch (which would be DeepStar Six since you wanna know).

Your first clue that this disaster movie is a disaster is the release date – January 10, the dumping month of winter. This is where a lot of movies go to die.

Your next clue – well, look at the trailer.

Riveting stuff, huh? Now take a look at the old trailer for DeepStar Six:

Pretty much the same movie. Do they just hope no one will point this out? Cause it happens in Hollywood all the time. Hell, even the crappy DeepStar trailer is just as good as the crappy Underwater one. A bunch of no-name actors deal with a vicious monster on the bottom of the sea.

And that’s where we get to the real story here.

Whose idea was it to put Kristen Stewart in this? And why? They wanted to find the least bankable, most off-putting name they could find? They would have been better off with a no-name than that name.

Nevermind that they’ve made her look as unappealing as possible here (worked so well in Charlie’s Angels) – not that guys don’t love it when women look as masculine as possible – but she’s actively a turn-off. Who exactly is her audience? Why would you cast someone as your lead who is more of a negative than a positive? Who are the geniuses?

Yes, T.J. Miller is a recognizable face in there too – but he’s clearly just playing a supporting role. This whole mistake of a movie lands on Kristen Stewart’s little shoulders to carry it. How is that smart?

Word is this movie has been sitting on the shelf for awhile (always a great sign), and it seems Disney will again be rolling it’s eyes at yet another acquired “gem” from the Fox deal. Another write-off, thanks so much!

Yeah, Kristen Stewart was in The Twilight Saga franchise. That doesn’t make her a movie star. Did anyone even check her resume? She’s done a lot since Twilight – and most of it you’ve never heard of (always a great sign). I don’t blame her for working – I blame the studio/filmmakers who thought she should work in this.

As the star.

Of the movie.

That you want human audiences to buy tickets for.

When you’re ripping off old monster movies to make a crappy new version, just stick to the formula – no-names. OR go with faces/names that are at least neutral/positive. But don’t hang the weight of your film on a name that is box-office poison.

So get ready on January 10 for audiences (and critics) to largely ignore Underwater (starring Kristen Stewart). Red ink anyone?

At least the movie’s title is dead on.

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