For the modern age of thespians, technology will soon be a very humbling experience. We’ve already seen it with Carrie Fisher’s Princes Leia and others. James Dean, who died in 1955, will be co-starring this year in Finding Jack. Sure, it won’t really be him, but most audiences won’t be able to tell the difference. And the digital actor integration movement will only get more and more seamless. We’ll get the performances we want, without all the politics and egos. They’re fucked.
And believe me, they’re all horrified. Chris Evans was vocal in his displeasure over the James Dean casting (snarkily suggesting that computers write some new John Lennon tunes), and not because he wanted the role himself. More like he’s already picturing himself starring in an ad campaign for Cheez-Its after he dies. Or worse, a sequel to 2011’s What’s Your Number?
But us here at SNTS? We can’t wait for all the fun. Because the real story is that it’s only a matter of time before living actors are replaced with their digital selves. Clever studio execs and producers will find loopholes in old contracts that allow them to cast digital versions of the actors in sequels/reboots without the actor’s consent. Or whatever. Believe me, they’ll figure it out. Imagine getting to cast Leonardo DiCaprio in a Growing Pains TV reunion show with Kirk Cameron, and he can’t do dick about it? And Alan Thicke is already dead so he’s in for sure.
With that in mind, let’s look at five living actors we can’t wait to be digitally replaced with themselves in something (while they’re still living and can’t do dick about it of course – that’s the fun part).
TOM CRUISE IN RISKY BUSINESS 2
And he’ll look 18 again. Hell, it could take place right after the first one. Or maybe something wild happens to him at Princeton. I mean, it was set up already. Princeton could use a guy like Joel, right? And if it makes real Tom Cruise cringe, even better! Think of the box office. This needs to happen.
KEANU REEVES IN BILL AND TED 3
Oh right. This is happening with the real Keanu. Nevermind.
MERYL STREEP IN THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA 2: THE BITCH IS BACK
I think the real Streep would rather be paraded naked through town like Cersei Lannister with someone behind her ringing a bell and yelling “shame!” than see this happen. So it’s a must-do. The movie I mean. Or the public walk of shame, either really.
But think about it. We certainly don’t need Anne Hathaway’s character (although we could certainly cast her too if we want). Just bring in the next assistant and voila! Outside of Mamma Mia I don’t think Streep has ever done a sequel. Which is why this needs to happen. Let’s do it!
DENZEL WASHINGTON IN CRIMSON TIDE 2
Sure a sequel to Glory would be more dignified and worthy of his talent – but he died at the end of that so there’s nowhere to go without jumping the shark and making him a ghost in the next one. And what would he do anyway? Haunt the shit out of some Confederate soldier’s family? Crap, that’s the one they’ll do, isn’t it?
Crimson Tide is a really underrated gem. And it’s set up perfectly for a sequel. At the end, the mutinous EXO (Executive Officer) Washington is about to be rewarded with a promotion to Captain and given his first command. Now his EXO can mutiny to turn the tables (James Cameron loves to turn the tables in his sequels – but he had nothing to do with this movie so enough about him). We can even give Gene Hackman a cameo when things look bleakest for Washington. He can yell “How do YOU like it, bitch!?”
MATTHEW BRODERICK IN FERRIS BUELLER’S NEXT DAY OFF
Right? A classic. And you know Ferris is gonna do it again, he’s a fucking adrenaline junkie. Plus, this is the Matthew Broderick we want. Seriously, what happened to this guy? Has anyone even seen him since Ferris came out? It’s possible he was already digitally replaced if you look at his career post-Ferris.
So does Ferris skip another day in high school this time? Poor Ed Rooney. Or maybe it’s a first job? Everybody’s first job sucks like high school so this has potential. Imagine Ferris stuck in a cubicle at Nabisco. I can’t wait for this.
And there you have it. The future of cinema. Actors are terrified. And they should be.
And you think I’m kidding.