You Shouldn’t Care About Meghan Markle

The world is literally exploding.

There are drones killing Iranians. There are Iranians killing civilians. There are politicians killing the environment. There are fires engulfing Australia. There are millions of animals dying. The ice caps are melting. And the movie The Day After Tomorrow is looking pretty realistic right about now.

And you are up in arms about Meghan Markle and her Ginger Boy-Prince Harry deciding they’re going to emerge from under the protection of the Royal umbrella so they can go at it on their own and lead a life of simplicity, privacy and individuality.

But that’s not the story. The story is that…it’s all bullshit.

The only reason Meghan Markle and Prince Harry want to leave the Queen and the Monarchy is because they can make a shit ton of money if they give that up and hang around the United States and Canada where they can get the overhead of their new production company covered by major Networks or streaming services like Obama and Michelle did, and produce movies, and write books for millions of dollars and be richer than the Queen ever was just by leveraging the idiocy of the World through their tell-all everythings.

And you care about it all.

You’re searching Meghan’s name on the Interwebs. You’re stopping to watch video. You were fascinated (and read the article twice) when you heard that the Queen was “blindsided” by Meghan and Harry’s announcement that they would be leaving to become “real people just like you and me.” I mean, didn’t you know, the two of them are truly like you and me. Like real people! They go the bathroom (although with silk napkins instead of one-ply toilet paper), they have concerns and worries and problems (like paparazzi), and they are being offered literally hundreds of millions of dollars to make entertainment for all of us (like you are)!

You shouldn’t care.

It’s just noise.

There are aliens who have been listening to our radio signals and watching our satellite TV channels (I know this because I saw the movie Contact) who think we are all a bunch of idiots for creating a Monarchy in the first place. For letting women and men, whose ancestors gained power through violence and killing, wear crowns and live in castles and although there is another government actually running things behind the scenes; still be considered to be worthy enough to never have to work a day in their life.

But hey, you say. Meghan and Harry want to work a day in their life. They want to work many days in their life. They’re gonna do this thing on their own, like Alice did on that TV show. They’re going to keep their head above water, making a wave when they can. They’re gonna scratch and survive, they’re gonna hang in and jive. They’re gonna be super lucky because of all these Good Times that are a comin’.

I would let the paparazzi bother me and follow me and make fun of my pregnant belly for the entire pregnancy if I could come out on the other side and leverage that for book deals and production deals and more acting roles and magazine features and sponsorship opportunities where I could lend my name and face to that new quick-cooking crock pot. I would let all those things happen and when I decided to finally reap the benefits, I wouldn’t expect you to care.

But you care about Meghan.

Why…do you care about Meghan?

Seriously. Why?

You didn’t care about her when she was on Suits. You told people you thought the show was “just OK” and when they asked you about Rachel Zane you were like “Zane-what?” which just pointed to the fact that you, in no moment of watching Suits, were ever moved or inspired or curious about who she was and why she was working in that office.

Then she went ahead and married a Prince, and all your attention was pulled away from that Hallmark or Netflix movie about the regular old commoner who falls for a Prince and lives happily ever after.

Then you cared.

Which is silly, because why anyone should care about Queens and Kings and Princes and Paparazzi, is beyond me.

The two of them are opportunistic kids who happened to luck out by being a part of a Royal family; an institution that is far beyond its use and way beyond sanity at this point in time. It is a concept that has outlived its use, as has your interest in someone who used to be a B-level actress who was suddenly thrust into the limelight in a way she never expected.

She’s a fine person. I’m sure she’s sweet. She’s gonna make a mint by leveraging all this press, buy a huge Castle-like home in Malibu, and employee a huge amount of in-home help to attend to her and Harry’s every whim.

Kind of like a Queen.

And you’ll still care.

And I’ll tell you that you shouldn’t.

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