Oh boy, Star Trek: TNG (that’s of course short for The Next Generation) fans are geeking out over the return of Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard in CBS All-Access’s latest money-grab show, Picard – set to debut on January 23. This will get some of those stubborn Trek hold-outs who opted out of the “All-Access” attempt to steal their money with the crap-trap that is Star Trek: Discovery.
And as they lack pretty much any other reason for people to subscribe to the “service”, they will no doubt resort to a Captain Kirk show next. Why not? It’s really not much more of a stretch than Picard. William Shatner is only nine years older than Stewart – they’re both old men. Plus Shatner IS Star Trek. You could even round up his surviving cast-mates (like Walter “Chekov” Koenig and George “Sulu” Takei) for cameos, much like Picard is doing with Brent Spiner (Data), Jonathan Frakes (Riker), and a few others.
They will do it. Watch. They will tap this well dryer than a desert planet like Tattooine in Star Wars (oh no – I’ve combined Star Trek and Star Wars references, which is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters).
But the greediness of the CBS streaming service isn’t the story. The story is that while die-hard TNG fans will orgasm over the show (and over every frame of the promos), no one else gives a shit. Why not? Lets look at the Top 5 reasons why casual audiences wouldn’t even watch this if it was free (which it’s not).
PATRICK STEWART IS 79
Fantastic actor, great guy, all that stuff – but he’s an old man. True he doesn’t look that much different from 30 years ago when he originated the Picard character, but still, if all he ever did was drink tea and pontificate in his younger Trek days, the latest version can’t add much else besides naps.
This is the same reason even Indiana Jones fans are cringing about the supposed next installment of that series with a 77-year-old Harrison Ford. Really, at this point all he can do is real archeological work, so get ready to watch him dust off an old Ankylosaurus bone for two hours.
IT HELPS TO HAVE A POINT
He’s back! That’s pretty much the whole sell. With glimpses of cameos that only matter to die-hard TNG fans. Check out the latest promo:
Yeah so he misses it and wants to go on another mission. But what the fuck is the mission even about? All we get is typical pontificating about the past and the future – sure fanboys will eat it up but why should anyone else care?
IT LOOKS LIKE MORE OF THE LAME – ER, SAME
It just looks like more boring TNG episodes. And my god they are boring. I’ve forced myself to watch almost all of them because there are actually a handful of good episodes – but not many in a show that ran for 7 seasons.
It’s mostly dull banter about feelings and/or science fiction ideas. The TNG movies aren’t much better. Fanboys love First Contact, which was at least decent – but they made a few more after that and no one likes to talk about those.
The biggest problem? They have nothing new or interesting to say.
THE ORIGINAL CREW WAS BETTER
Face it – Kirk, Spock and that whole gang was just better. Yes there are fanboys who prefer TNG for whatever odd reasons, but the truth is nothing compares to the original.
Say what you will about the direction and quality of the rebooted J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies, but a lot of people bought tickets to see Kirk and crew on new adventures. Not just fanboys.
Why no plans to reboot TNG on the big screen? Hmm?
ALL-ACCESS HAS ALREADY RENEWED PICARD FOR SEASON 2
But that should be a good sign, right? Except it’s kind of the opposite. Renewing the show before it even airs reeks of a desperation move. Instead of gauging the consumer reaction, CBS is trying too hard to project confidence. Oh it’s soooo good, we know everyone’s gonna love it – and we’re so sure that we can already renew it.
It’s like when bad poker players bluff about how great their hand is. Sure, a few fools may fall for it, but the bluff is kinda obvious to anyone actually paying attention.
This move just feels too calculated. Like we’re being played.
You know how that promo ends with Picard saying that he doesn’t want the game to end? Neither does CBS.
But they can’t bluff for shit.