Morbius: Marvel’s Latest Bastard?

Here they come again, looking to squeeze every last drop out of the good old Marvel brand. Yes, it’s that household superhero name “Morbius“! I’m just shocked they didn’t get to this one sooner – I mean, who wasn’t screaming for a Morbius movie? Batman, Superman, Morbius… Those are the real biggies right? The ones everybody just knows.

To be clear, this isn’t the Disney Marvel universe – this is the Sony Marvel universe, which is considerably smaller. So while Disney squeezes movies out of minor heroes like Ant-Man and Doctor Strange, Sony can only dig up anyone who ever got drawn in a Spider Man comic. The bastard children, like Morbius.

But watching Sony pretend they have a Marvel universe isn’t the story. Well, it’s kind of the story. You can’t really blame them. Every time Marvel pulls a new character out of their ass the movies make money, right? Nevermind that they’re all kind of the same – but with different super powers, oooooh.

This one is so different because (through some cure gone wrong – one of the 3 or 4 standard superhero MO’s) Morbius turns into some kind of vampire bat. Oh no! Cursed with unexpected bat superpowers! It’s the kind of originality you rarely see in Hollywood. Batman was a totally different sub-set of bat superhero. This is Marvel’s Batman. So shut up.

But the first trailer has dropped, so lets make fun of that. This first trailer is what they call a teaser trailer, even though this one is closer to three minutes (which is longer than most payoff trailers). There will be at least two more trailers unleashed by Sony, even though this one is plenty. See they think if they give away more and more of the plot/visual effects/jokes/cameos down the road it will excite people more and more and sell more tickets. In reality they will excite the fanboys more and more (who are already buying tickets), and turn off general audiences who will feel like they’ve seen the whole movie. Or at least all the best parts.

Enough people will still go however, so Sony execs will be quoted as “beaming” about how great the opening weekend was because of them.

Back to making fun of the trailer though. Here it is:

The best is this great new trend of a 3-6 second countdown tease at the beginning of the teaser. Ads for ads! We’re already watching – save the countdown for those great TV ads that tell me when and where I can check out the latest trailer online. That’s how you do ads for ads. But if you wanna really impress us, start doing ads for ads for ads. Yeah, who’s gonna be the first genius to crack that nut. Oh and also, fuck off.

The trailer itself is fine. Kind of par for the course with these movies. It does it’s job but doesn’t feel especially inspired. If you’re wondering how much they spent to get to this final version of mediocrity – it’s a LOT.

Really it’s the studio touches that are most ripe for snarking. The countdown for one, and did you notice the hilarious text in the middle? FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU SPIDER MAN, AND, UM, SPIDER MAN, AND…VENOM? YEAH, THAT PIECE OF SHIT MADE MONEY, RIGHT? VENOM! WE HAVE A MARVEL UNIVERSE TOO!

Yes Jared Leto (huge star btw – he could be in anything and everyone would rush to see it, right?) looks solid here. And he does look like a vampire. Course, doesn’t he always? And then Michael Keaton shows up at the end – heyyyy, wait a minute… wasn’t he in that other movie? The Spider Man one? They really do have a Marvel universe going! The fanboys will be so excited!

And apparently the cure our hero comes up with involves becoming blood brothers with vampire bats. But he didn’t, like, wanna turn into one. How could this have happened? I mean, when you happen to get bit by a radioactive spider that’s one thing, but this…

Well, there you have it. What the world was waiting for. And you can expect more bastards until they stop making money. For now, enjoy Batman again.

Er, Morbius.

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