We are officially one week away from this year’s Academy Awards.
Between now and then, and over the next few days, Oscar voters will cast their ballots for all the awards, determine their Best Picture rankings, and submit their “final answers” via the Academy’s digital, online voting systems that (fortunately) none of the Trump children or Facebook have access to.
At the same time, trade publications like Variety and The Hollywood Reporter and Indiewire will harangue isolated and anonymous Oscar voters to tell them in long, verbose passages just which movies they voted for, which ones they hated and which ones they’d wish would go away. Industry folks with nothing better to do with their time will pour over such words, try to determine the outcome of the Oscars and then wait until Sunday to find out they were dead wrong.
But that’s not the story. The story is that we here at SNTS know a better way in which to determine the real winners of the Golden Gods. We know the one place you can go with the highest concentration of Academy voters in all of the United States. We know that all you have to do is hang out by the concession stand on the lower level at Arclight Hollywood, and stand by the napkin and ketchup dispensers in order to tally over the course of one weekend enough votes by loud-talking Academy members in order to tally who the actual awards will go to.
No, shit. After standing around this past Friday and Saturday in that exact place, we were able to tally over 100 separate opinions by unknowing, loudmouthed voters, and use our own SNTS priority voting algorithm to prove the winners a week out from the actual event. Using a similar preferential voting system as the Academy, we took all 100 overheard anonymous loudmouthed opinions, and tallied the following winners over the course of the major awards.
So without further adieu, we give you the Winners of the 2020 Academy Awards:
Best Picture: 1917
Best Director: Sam Mendes
Best Actor: Joaquin Phoenix
Best Actress: Renée Zellweger
Best Supporting Actor: Brad Pitt
Best Supporting Actress: Laura Dern
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jojo Rabbit
Best Original Screenplay: Parasite
Best International Film: Parasite
As for the rest of the below-the-line awards, from Costumes to Visual Effects to Make-up to Documentary, nobody talks about these awards while slathering relish and mustard on their hot dogs, nor do they do so while grabbing napkins for their warm caramel corn.
Best of luck to all those in the running, and congratulations to all those up above in this piece, as they are clearly going home with the ultimate award from the ultimate concession-stand obsessed voting body.