Yesterday, everyone in the World under the age of 23 stopped worrying about their problems for a split second when Billie Eilish’s new single “No Time To Die” was dropped like a hot potato on digital music services everywhere.
The track was and is the opening credits title sequence music for the upcoming James Bond movie, starring Daniel Craig, which has been given the title No Time To Die, and joins a list of classic Bond title tracks from such famous singers as Adele, Duran Duran, Sam Smith, Paul McCartney, Madonna, Carly Simon, Tom Jones, Tina Turner, Sheryl Crow, Garbage and a-ha.
But that’s not the story. The story is, quite honestly, that I am ready for Eilish to go away. What can we do to make her go away?
The song itself, if you’ve listened to it, is a morose, slow, mumbly, boring, depressing song without an uplifting chorus, a moment of excitement, or even a flash of adrenaline. Which a James Bond theme song must have if it’s going to get the crowd excited for the opening sequence, which is always uplifting, exciting and has a flash of adrenaline.
But Billie is really doubling-down on this “I am depressed and you can be, too” mentality.
If you’ve listened to Billie Eilish, or looked at the titles of her songs, you’re already familiar with her trademark song-naming convention, clearly manipulated in such a way as to make you feel dirty, depressed or bordering on sickness. Such song titles include such gems as bellyache, bad guy, xanny, I don’t wanna be you anymore, all the good girls go to hell, bury a friend, bitches broken hearts, hostage and the uplifting I wish you were gay.
It kinda makes you long for some Isn’t It Ironic, don’t you think?
I’m all good if Eilish wants to play that play, and continue to brand herself as the dark, thoughtful, strange, weird, depressed, introspective singer for a new generation of dark, thoughtful, strange, weird, depressed, introspective music fans. But that’s not the James Bond theme I wanna hear.
I want a real James Bond theme song.
I wanna hear brass horns. I wanna hear exciting runs of orchestral goodness. I wanna get excited while watching those disembodied shadows of hot women and guns shooting off massive bullets as the theme song swells and the repeating phrase “no time to die” keeps playing over and over again. I don’t wanna be lulled into a slumber. I don’t wanna feel the need to heat up some Sleepytime tea and cuddle up with my slanket. I definitely don’t want to start thinking about warm baths and toasty croissants.
I want James Bond.
Maybe Billie Eilish can’t give us a James Bond theme song.
Maybe Billie Eilish is just too depressed and dark to be capable of such a thing.
For Billie Eilish, maybe at the point in her career, it wasn’t time to craft a theme song for “No Time to Die.”
Maybe a music executive somewhere making decisions on James Bond theme songs doesn’t know the difference between hip and hypochondriac.